And now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top
Don’t hold back…
…This road never looked so lonely
Oh this house doesn’t burn down slowly
It’s time to begin, isn’t it?”
“It’s Time” – Imagine Dragons
It’s time for us to mourn the great void that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has left, and that John Lewis left earlier this year. We have lost 2 giant champions for equality, and it hurts so deeply.
We are scared. We are sad. We feel hopeless.
Last weekend, I wrote about how angry and tired I was – and that was BEFORE the horrible news about RBG’s passing. The news was devastating, and like so many others I was immediately filled with fear and dread of what may come to pass.
One of my big “ah-ha’s” after my last post came from watching Fred Guttenberg discussing his new book “Find the Helpers…What 9/11 and Parkland Taught Me About Recovery, Purpose, and Hope.” Guttenberg lost his brother to cancer incurred from 9/11 and months later lost his 14-year old daughter Jaime in the shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. I pre-ordered the book after listening to him talk about how he is working through his horrific losses through the kindness and compassion he has received from others as he has worked for change in our gun laws – and as he has become an advocate for Joe Biden. (Video here if you would like to watch: https://youtu.be/9-jF339-jdY).
His interview reminded me that I fortunate to have a community of helpers around me. Since publishing my last post, I have been reassured many times over that I am not alone. Let me reassure all of you – YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
It is time for us to let John Lewis and RBG rest, and it is time for us to march on in their honor. We have no other choice. It is NOT TIME to give up hope. It is NOT TIME to be quiet. It is NOT TIME to give in to what may feel inevitable.
It is time to find your helpers.
It is time to link arms with each other – to help each other push forward. It is time to pick each other up, to carry those who feel weak, to encourage each other to get back up, and to KEEP ON MOVING. I have been encouraged, empowered, uplifted and seen by so many since my last post. I have even met some new friends – something that is not easy to do during a pandemic! I have been inspired and energized by my community of “helpers.” While I grieve the loss of my real life Wonder Woman, I gather strength when I visualize all of us with linked arms, working to save each other. I have seen several videos of people forming human chains to save a person or animal from drowning. Think of your helpers as this giant human chain that is here to prevent you from drowning in sorrow and hopelessness. Imagine the strength that flows through that chain to lift you up and to help you get up again.
I don’t know if this is “rock bottom.” I don’t know if this is the proverbial marathon “wall.” The way this year is going – I seriously doubt it. I am not the only one who keeps thinking that surely this is the turning point, and yet each and every day I am proven wrong.
I know it is daunting. I know it exhausting. Practice self-care, and find your helpers! We are here, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am one of your helpers – and I thank you for being one of mine. WE ARE NOT ALONE. We cannot give up, and we cannot give in.
“Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Do not become bitter or hostile. Be hopeful. Be optimistic.”
RBG didn’t just fight for women’s rights. She fought for all of us…for access to healthcare, for dreamers to stay in the only country they know as home, for LBGQT rights, for voting rights for all Americans. Let’s remember how all of us intersect as humans, and how all of these issues tie us together in some way. Imagine the strength in our numbers! Let’s leave no one behind, and remember the power we can wield when we act in solidarity.
Take a deep breath. If you are feeling weak and hopeless – think about who is out there to help you, and reach out for support. Close your eyes and imagine what is possible on the other side of this mess. Dig deep, pull up your big kid pants or your empowering socks, and keep going.
Dissent from surrendering. Dissent from hopelessness. John Lewis and RBG have left us with the tools we need, and have passed the baton to us. It is time.
I am so tired of feeling angry all the time, and I am so angry about feeling tired all the time. Can anyone else relate? I have a feeling I am not alone in this.
I am not living my best life, and I am not being my best self. I have reset my expectations. I constantly practice self-care. I have both meditated and medicated. I have gotten acupuncture regularly. I have never worked this hard just to feel ok…
Despite all my efforts in self-care, I have never felt this emotionally spent and physically exhausted in my life. I have read all sorts of articles that describe this fatigue – so I know this is very real, and that there are valid reasons for it. It is just a matter of time until someone comes up with a clever phrase for the special kind of fatigue that we are experiencing in 2020. It is way more than “pandemic fatigue.” The combination of the pandemic, a divisive election, and racial unrest is just overwhelming at times. The wear and tear on my psyche, on my mental and emotional well being is palpable.
I know almost immediately when I am out of balance. I am edgy, am easily irritated and quick to snap (at Jerry since he is the one with me 24/7), and do not sleep well. Lately, I have become quick to anger – and I often feel rage. My rage is usually caused by our current administration, and sometimes caused by the people who support it. Sometimes – it is caused by people I know. Sometimes – those people are family or friends.
I could try to turn it “off” and survive (I think of this as similar to “turning off my humanity” for any Vampire Diaries fans). My ability to turn it off would be a manifestation of my privilege, and I no longer want to act from my privilege. I want things to be different – I want a different president, I want racial justice, I want to preserve our earth for future generations, and I want strong leadership, and a cooperative society to help us survive the COVID 19 pandemic. This is a lot. I am not going to give up hope, but the struggle in fighting for these things is very real.
Almost every single day, at any given moment, I feel more frustration, anger and rage – and underneath it, is fear and sadness. I am truly scared that things will continue to get worse before they get better. I truly feel that the election is going to culminate in a constitutional crisis, and that the traditional peaceful transition of power is not likely to be peaceful. In my lifetime, the stakes have never been this high…so to turn off my “caring” is just not a possibility for me. However, acting from my fear and rage is not working for me, nor is it helping to achieve anything that I support.
I care very deeply about our country – I care for our military and their families, I care for the our civil servants including our police and firefighters, for our healthcare workers, for our teachers, for people with disabilities, for dreamers, for BIPOC, for LBGTQ – ALL at the same time.
For example, it is possible – and in my opinion “right” – to support the police while at the same time supporting police reform. I support Black Lives Matters, while at the same time denouncing rioting and also denouncing the brutal use of force against unarmed people of color. The perception that this is an either/or has only divided us. When did we forget that many things can be true at the same time?? When did we start to accept “alternative facts” instead of reckoning with the truths of what is happening in our world? When did we forget that the answers are usually between the extremes, and that we can get to some answers through respectful discussion?
The rhetoric I see around this on a daily basis only feeds my frustration, anger and resentment. It is soooo tempting to lash out – to let the anger and fear control me. It is so easy to forward a tweet, meme, video, article or whatever that only add to the noise. I know because I have done it – many times.
Anger is like a drug. It makes me feel powerful – and can give me some fuel in the tank – but when I act from anger, I am left more depleted, more empty, and end up not only damaging relationships, but also failing to gain any kind of possible momentum for the causes I support. It is a false power as a friend pointed out to me…making us feel that we have control when we do not. It is not sustainable. And while I know this, it is still incredibly hard for me to channel it in a healthy way. And from what I see around me every moment of every day, we are ALL struggling with this.
Remember this powerful quote by Ruth Bader Ginsburg:
“Fightforthethingsthatyoucareabout, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
I am trying to do this!!! And I definitely do not always get it right. Finding the middle ground is part of the answer. Acting from love instead of fear or anger is a HUGE part of the answer. I have learned that love is a renewable energy – and am trying to remember that in those moments of anger and rage.
My anger has been spilling over a little too easily lately, but I have recognized it and am working through it. I even decided to try medication again because I recognize that I could use some help especially over the next few months with my fear and anxiety heightened more than usual.
Maintaining healthy boundaries is also a major part of the answer. Yes, I will try to be kind. Yes, I will try to be more “human.” Yes, I will try to act from love instead of fear and anger.
But – to quote Glennon Doyle from Untamed,
“I will not stay, not ever again – in a room or conversation or institution that requires me to abandon myself.”
Glennon Doyle, Untamed
This means I will not be quiet just to make other people comfortable. I am not about to practice toxic positivity and ignore what is happening around me, nor will I silence myself to preserve someone else’s feelings.
However, I will work hard to find the right balance in all of this – and I will continue to fight for the things that I care about – and I will continue to try to do this in a way that will encourage others to follow.
Sometimes songs come to me at the exact right time. I think this is one of the ways God speaks to me – and I consider that to be “grace.” This gorgeous song by Tracy Chapman just came on my Pandora station as I sit and reflect about the state of our world – and my place in it.
I am contemplating a question my friend Maryanne posed to me a few weeks ago when she asked me “what do I stand for” and whether my answer is guiding me during these challenging times. I quickly answered her – that I stand for truth, justice, and love. I admitted to Maryanne that – yes – as corny as this is – these are Wonder Woman’s virtues. This is the reason I am a Wonder Woman aficionado.
While corny – truth, justice and love have truly become my guiding principles. That part of the equation is not the hard part for me. I can easily discern my principles by paying close attention to what triggers me – and lately I am triggered almost daily (hourly!) by lies, chaos, injustices, and fear mongering that seem so prevalent in our society in 2020. The challenge for me is to detach from the things I cannot control – to not assign too much meaning to the outcome of my fight for truth, justice, and love. If I cannot figure out how to let it go, I am left hopeless, frustrated, despondent, angry…yet another victim or perpetrator of the vitriol we all see in social media. My friend Matt recently reminded me of the pertinent words of Viktor Frankl, that “a human being is a deciding being” – that we each have our choices about our mindsets of how we view the world and how we attach meaning to what happens to us.
When I heard Tracy Chapman so beautifully sing these lyrics, I found a connection to Viktor Frankl’s search for meaning. So, I try each day to do what I can to live my values and work to detach from outcomes, so that I can go to sleep at night with some amount of peacefulness and hope amidst the chaos of 2020. Detachment from outcomes is NOT EASY for me, especially in this year. Believe me – I have a lot of strong reactions to what I see on social media – and say a lot to myself – or to Jerry – to process my thoughts and emotions before I decide to post or comment. There are usually more than a few curse words included in my reactions – but I try hard to filter out the anger – to not lash back out and create even more noise. I do not always get it right – but staying silent is no longer an option for me. “Staying out of it” or “choosing to not get political” is no longer consistent with my values.
I have both consciously and subconsciously surrounded myself with reminders of my values all around me. Yes – this has led to a minor obsession with Wonder Woman. These are on the wall in front of my desk where I see them all day, every day. The image on the left reminds me to fight for what is right. The image on the right (a gift from my sister Jacquie) reminds me to detach from the outcomes of that fight. EVERY DAY I look at these to try to remember to do both.
I also have this little menagerie of bobble heads and action figures that sit next to me on my bookshelf – which I see all day every day now that I exclusively work from home. Each of these special figures represents at least one value that is deeply important to me.
Albert Einstein: Genius Scientist. Albert Einstein represents my value of TRUTH because science helps determine what is TRUE. It is because of science (and my discernment of the variety of sources that I curate) that I believe in climate change, that COVID-19 is not a hoax, that wearing a mask reduces the risks of its spread, and that a vaccine should be tested before being released to the public. There are so many great Einstein quotes, but this one speaks to me today:
“The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it.“
Albert Einstein (Amen, sir!)
Yoda: Jedi Master. Yoda represents the value of JUSTICE because fighting evil is simply the right thing to do. One of the reasons I love the Star Wars movies so much is how well they tell the classic story of good versus evil, light versus dark.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Yoda, Episode One, The Phantom Menace
This quote is so relevant to me in 2020 when I see our president using fear as a tool to stoke anger, to deepen hatred, and to further divide our country. This is why I think of myself as part of the “Resistance” fighting against this administration’s evil policies like family separation. There are a lot of people who are on the wrong side of history in 2020, and history will be the judge after the political divides of 2020 are long forgotten.
Prince: Genius Musician. Prince represents the values of GRACE and CHOICE. As I said earlier, God speaks to me through music – and Prince’s music is a spiritual experience to me – and this figurine is my reminder to find joy in music and creative expression. I happen to think Prince may have been the single most talented musician of my generation. He was so unique that he used a symbol for a name for a while – and no one really seemed to mind! Nothing about Prince is easy to define or put “in a box.” He paved his own way with glorious talent and creativity. My favorite Prince lyric of all time can be applied almost daily these days watching the President – not that I want to kiss him. I do not.
“Act your age, not your shoe size.”
Prince, lyrics from “Kiss”
Pope Francis: Spiritual Leader. Pope Francis represents my values of GRACE, LOVE, JUSTICE and SERVICE. This bobble head is my go-to “Sacrament” gift for my nieces and nephews. Pope Francis has restored some of my faith in the Catholic church as an institution. As a divorced feminist who believes in marriage equality, and who believes that women have the right to choose what happens to their bodies – I have often felt lost in the church. Pope Francis has done a great deal of work in reconciling the truth of the abuse that the Church actively sought to hide for so many, many years. I am still uncertain of where I fit into the Catholic Church – but Pope Francis has helped me to feel more welcome than I have in a long time. This is one of my favorite quotes of his – that shows that Pope Francis believes like I do that actions speak louder than words.
“It is not enough to say we are Christians. We must live the faith, not only with our words, but with our actions.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Notorious Justice. RBG represents my values of EQUALITY, JUSTICE, and CHOICE. Thanks to her work as an attorney in the early 70’s, the Supreme Court made it illegal for people to discriminate on the basis of sex. She became a Supreme Court Justice in 1993, and she is still actively serving at the age of 87. Coming full circle this year in 2020, she voted with 5 other justices to make it illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation and/or transgender status. She has helped to uphold women’s rights over her entire career. She is truly my real-life Wonder Woman. I have several pairs of special RBG socks that I wear on days that I feel the need to channel some extra inner strength. I often drink my coffee out of a few special mugs that Jerry has given me that help me start my day off on the “right foot” along with my special socks:
Wonder Woman: Superhero. As already stated, Wonder Woman represents my triumvirate of values: TRUTH,JUSTICE and LOVE. Wonder Woman stands for justice as she fights for those who cannot fight for themselves. In my life, I seek justice by advocating for my stepson Eric and other children with profound disabilities. This has become my passion and fuels my life’s purpose. To me, justice also means standing with #blacklivesmatters – and it means I am willing to say that all lives can’t matter until black lives matter.
Wonder Woman is not afraid of the truth – even with the truth is HARD. What I would do for a magical lasso of truth to force people like our President to tell only truths… I value the truth, and I want to try to embrace it even when it is not easy. This means that I am willing to have hard conversations – not debates – not arguments – but real conversations with people that grapple with systemic racism. It means exploring my own racial biases – to dig a lot deeper than I have been willing to do in the past.
Wonder Woman acts from love, not fear. She knows, like I know, that no one person can save the world. She seems to struggle with the same thing that I struggle with – that pesky detachment from outcomes…the virtue of being able to let go of what we cannot control…But/and – she, like me, is not going to stop fighting for what is right. I hope and I pray that somehow my actions will make a difference to someone else, and that creates some kind of a ripple effect of positive change that shines a light in the darkness…that lights the path for the right choices…that demonstrates that good perseveres over evil…that shows that the truth wins over lies…that proves that love wins over fear. That justice will prevail for all.
“I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind. But then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their mind and learned that inside every one of them there will always be both. A choice each must make for themselves. Something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know that only love can truly save the world. So I stay, I fight and I give for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever.”
Diana Prince, “Wonder Woman” movie
I sleep better on the days when I know I have fought the good fight for truth, love and justice…because all that I have is my soul…and some pretty cool bobbleheads and action figures to help light my way.
And on the days that I struggle…I have some special glasses and coozies to help!