Onward

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Resilience, Risk Taking, Vulnerability

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

My New Year’s post is a little belated this year. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me…marked by the tragedy in Newtown, the holidays, the sad news about the Russian adoption ban, attending a close friend’s mother’s funeral, and then the excitement of attending the Notre Dame/Alabama National Championship game. The game (painful as it was to watch), gave me some ideas of how to articulate my thoughts and feelings about the start of 2013, and where I am in my own personal journey.

The day after the game, the University of Notre Dame posted this on their Facebook page: “Thanks to Notre Dame Football for an outstanding season. It’s been quite a ride. Onward.” That summed up exactly how I feel – about the game, and about my life. Of course I was disappointed at how Notre Dame played, and I had wished for a different outcome. But, overall, I appreciated how amazing the season was, appreciated feeling the excitement building each week, and appreciated the opportunity to be at the Championship game, win or loss. At the end of this crazy season, despite the whooping by Alabama, Notre Dame football is better off than they were a year ago, and that is “forward progress.”

I love this concept of the “forward progress” rule in football. My loose definition is this: no matter how far the runner or receiver is pushed back by his defenders, forward progress means the ball is placed at the best possible spot – the furthest point he was able to make it before going down or out of bounds. Even if he is pushed back 10 – even 20+ yards…WAY behind the line of scrimmage, the refs pick that ball up and put it back down at the best possible spot, and the next play begins.

Now this is where I get serious…because this post in NOT about Notre Dame football. I want my life to work like the forward progress rule! And I think it can if only I can see it that way. As a concept, forward progress sounds so much better to me than the idea of “starting over.” Who wants to go all the way back to the beginning just to cover all of the same ground again? How exhausting. Not me – I want to KEEP MOVING, to figure out what I need to learn from what just happened by healing, learning, making my adjustments, and moving forward.

A few weeks ago, I was devastated by the news that Russian President Putin signed an adoption ban, no longer allowing US residents to adopt children from Russia. You see, after a long discernment process of over a year, adopting a 2-3 year old from Russia had become my “plan”. I had completed my home study this fall, and was ready to submit my application to US Immigration, only to find out a few days after Christmas that this was no longer going to be an option for me. My heart literally ached (and still does) for the 650,000 children in orphanages or foster care in Russia, and every day I pray for the 50+ families that have already been placed with their children, that they are able to complete their adoptions and take their children home. That said, I have been thinking nonstop about what happened, and trying to figure out what to do and how to move forward without having to start over from the beginning.

I don’t make decisions like this easily or quickly, and when first hearing the news about the ban, I truly felt like I had wasted over a year of my life. I felt emotionally drained, feeling like I had to go back to be the start. I felt lost and overwhelmed. Remember how mad you would get playing Chutes and Ladders or Candy Land (or Uncle Wiggly for the board game fanatics out there that can remember that one)? The end of the game is in sight, and on the last roll, you end up on that awful spot that makes you have to move back all the way back to the start.

Well, I felt like that but a whole lot worse. Life is a lot more complicated and emotional than a board game. Once again, I had to give up on the vision I made in my mind of what I had expected to happen. I had to process the loss I was feeling. I had to admit that despite every effort I had been making to have control over the process, I actually had no control. Having children, like life in general, is not geometry – there is no such thing as a straight line being the shortest distance between two points. That is not how life works.

In our own ways, we are trying our best to move the ball forward, to get to the goal line whatever that may be. We all have incredibly squiggly lines on our journeys, don’t we? At this point, my path has zigged and zagged all over the place. There are so many obstacles in our way – and sometimes we have to run out of bounds to avoid getting clobbered. Sometimes we actually get clobbered, and have to get back up, wounded and sore, take time to heal, breathe deep, and get back on the field. We take our lessons learned with us. We take the memories of those that we lost with us. We cope, heal, and start to realize that we are better people because of those lessons learned, and because we were loved by the ones we have lost.

This is my most recent picture of the Notre Dame Grotto, one of the most beautiful, peaceful places on Earth.
This is my most recent picture of the Notre Dame Grotto, one of the most beautiful, peaceful places on Earth. The Grotto gives me a great deal of comfort at times like these.

I love the idea of picking up the ball and placing in at the best spot, and NOT going back to the start. Instead of starting over at square one in my journey to motherhood, I realize now that I have gathered a great deal of knowledge about adoption that I didn’t have a year ago. I have met some amazing people, have made new connections, and have been “practicing” my risk taking abilities. I know myself better. I am continuing to try to embrace vulnerability as a strength, not as a weakness. I have dipped my toe into the “arena” (remember my reference Teddy Roosevelt’s Man in the Arena speech from my post “One Year Later), and now realize I am ready to step in with both feet firmly on the ground.

I have the courage to tell the “world” out there my story, not just my closest friends. I did NOT have that a year ago. That is forward progress.

Onward 2013.

A Heavy Heart

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Uncategorized

Today is such a sad day. What happened in Newtown today is truly unimaginable. I made it through the rest of my work day, and when I came home from work, I tried to create some peace by turning my Christmas lights on, and lighting a few candles, but I turned on the news and could only watch for about 20 minutes. Eventually, I decided to sit at my computer and try to articulate some of the thoughts and feelings flying around in my head and my heart. I am finding myself trying to balance between surrendering to the deep feelings of sadness and trying to go about my business, resisting wallowing. Neither feels like a healthy choice.

It is deeply troubling to me and many others that these tragedies not only keep happening, but seem to be getting worse. How is that even possible?? What kind of evil would do this to the most innocent, vulnerable humans on earth – young children??  The noise of the endless, constant, media coverage, the Facebook and Twitter messages blasting politicians and the NRA keep coming at me…so I had to turn all of it off to sit and think…and feel.

I rarely watch Oprah’s shows these days, but last Sunday, one of them caught my eye since she was to interview Elie Wiesel about his new book, “Open Heart.” After watching it, I immediately picked the book up the very next day, and finished it in just a few days. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Wiesel, he is a Holocaust survivor, philosopher, professor, writer, (best known for his memoir of the Holocaust called “Night”) Nobel Peace Price winner, and founder of The Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity.

Just like when I read “Night” a long time ago, his words in “Open Heart”, though haunting, also comforted me when I reread some of it tonight. Here is my favorite excerpt:

“Was it yesterday – or long ago – that we learned how human beings have been able to attain perfection in cruelty? That for the killers, the torturers, it is normal, thus human, to act inhumanely? Should one therefore turn away from humanity?

The answer of course is up to each one of us. We must choose between the violence of adults and the smiles of children, between the ugliness of hate and the will to oppose it. Between inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves. Or not.

I know – I speak from experience – that even in darkness it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. That it is possible to feel free inside a prison…

There it is: I still believe in man in spite of man.”

What happened today is completely overwhelming and can seem utterly, depressingly, hopeless. There are no answers for all of the questions that we have today. But even though it is so painful, we can’t let ourselves become numb to these tragedies that are happening too often. And when we let ourselves feel this pain, we must try to not surrender to despair.

In his interview, Wiesel says that while the world may never learn from the past, each of us as individuals can – and THAT is what matters. The question is not whether humanity will evolve, but will WE as individuals?

So today I am so very sad. My heart literally hurts for the Newtown community, and for everyone affected by what happened today. And I think it is so important to feel the sadness – to name it – and for me to write or talk about it in order to process it. I want to caution us to not brush over what happened and become numb.

Each one of us has an impact in the world we live in – whether within our families, our communities or on a larger platform. In that, we have power and influence. We don’t have to surrender to despair and hopelessness.

I saw a lot of evidence today of people hugging their kids, expressing gratitude for their them and for their teachers. I saw people recognizing healthy doses of perspective. I saw outpourings of prayers for the Newtown community, and for those affected by similar events in the past. One person at a time, we can make a difference – and in that may lie some of the answers we are looking for.

“Think higher. Feel deeper.” – Elie Wiesel

My Favorite Things

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Joy

Unlike Oprah, I will NOT be handing out any items to you at the end of this post…no new cars, no Ralph Lauren V-Ceck Sweaters, and no Tory Burch Michelle Totes for you. Sorry about that! I was just in the mood to relax and think about something simple – things that make me happy. My favorite things. In no particular order.

  1. The smell walking in my door the day my house has been professionally cleaned…smelling the piney/lemony scents of a clean house. This happened to me today – so that is probably what made me starting thinking of this list. WORTH EVERY PENNY.
  2. Walking on the beach when the tide is going out, and finding whole sand dollars bleaching in the sun.
  3. When my iPod plays the perfect song for my mood. Last month, I got in my car to drive to the airport to fly to Chicago for the Notre Dame/Miami game. My iPod was on shuffle, and the first song to play was the Notre Dame Victory March (out of 700 songs). Perfection!
  4. White Christmas lights. One day I am going to have an outdoor patio with a pergola covered in white lights, and will host outdoor dinner parties for my fabulous friends.
  5. The combination of mountains and the shore. Like the view on the drive from Vancouver to Whistler. Kaui – seeing waterfalls coming down the mountains while sitting on the sandy beach. Two of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I can’t wait to go to Alaska one day!
  6. Reading a book that I can’t put down. The kind that makes me stay up way too late, or stay in bed way too long trying to finish it. The kind where the character stays with me forever, like Francie Nolan in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. My most recent favorite – The Perks of Being a Wallflower, with Charlie – one of the wisest, most sincere, most vulnerable teenagers I have ever encountered in literature. How did I miss this book that was written in 1999? Now securely in my top 5 favorites of all time.
  7. Yellow flowers. I buy fresh cut flowers every week – almost always yellow…roses, gerbera daisies or sunflowers.
  8. Greeting cards.

    One of my greeting cards…featuring another of my favorite things – red wine
  9. Photographs of my friends, family, and places I have been. I have framed photographs all OVER my house. I print my pictures and keep photo albums since I had my first 35 mm camera at age 15.
  10. Sunday night TV lineup…Once Upon a Time, Revenge, The Good Wife and Homeland – so many dramas, so little time!
  11. Our annual Cookie Exchange with the girls – the social event of the season is coming up! I have been sharing my pizzelles and rum balls for 8 years with these ladies…and I always bring the requested pigs in a blanket to help us soak up the wine. Only a few weeks away!
  12. Spending time with my nieces and nephews, and watching them grow into themselves…Joseph who created a few surprise Pandora stations for me this week, including Judas Priest and Van Halen (he’s only 13)…my sister’s influence of course…Jana who em ceed all night during our Guesstures game last Friday as if we were an actual reality TV show, Dillon who declared during the Notre Dame/USC game last weekend that he wanted to go to Notre Dame (he’s only seven), Bridget, who seems so quiet and unassuming and then can pull a sudden diva move that no one expects, and then Trevor, my 2 year old nephew, aka Tazmanian Devil or Bam Bam…strong, fearless, and hopefully indestructible!
  13. Those perfect scenes in romantic movies: Lloyd Dobbler standing outside Diane Court’s window with his boombox blasting “In Your Eyes” (and remember – Lloyd also sent Diane a greeting card), Noah and Allie paddling their canoe in the Lowcountry creeks surrounded by swans, and Maria and Captain Von Trapp singing “Something Good” to each other and kissing for the first time in the gazebo…and Captain Von Trapp also plays a guitar…hmmm.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Self Reliance

A few minutes ago, I cut my finger changing my air filter. Apparently my new house has some very unusually sized air vent…so I had to “cram” it in for lack of a better word. Ouch. A few days ago, I hung some pictures in my new house…and yes, if you were to look behind the pictures you would find multiple nail holes. I don’t use a level – I barely use measuring tape – no surprise to anyone who knows me or has read previous blogs. The day before that, I spent too much time trying to hook up my new XBox 360 – and I still can’t get the audio to work. Last week, I spent 2 days without cable and internet – because after unplugging the system to place into my new armoire, I hooked it back up incorrectly. A month ago, I backed my car into my garage door, knocking it off its rails, and thus trapped my car inside. I had to call a repairmen, who luckily came within 2 hours, so I could escape and drive to Charlotte to start my much needed Napa vacation.

I could go on. That was only one month of my life. If you have read my previous blogs, you already know that I have never changed a flat tire, nor have I ever used a lawn mower. I say it’s good to know my limitations – and safety should always come first.

I am sitting here – chagrined at my ineptitude when it comes to fixing anything mechanical or electrical. It is just not in my skill set – or “wheelhouse” as too many people say. It’s like my brain freezes, and reading any directions seem like I am trying to translate some foreign language. You can not imagine how proud I was when I assembled a desk for my living room last year…maybe one of the drawers doesn’t open without a firm tug – but hey, it is functional and looks great in my living room!

Did I miss my calling as a 50’s housewife?? Would I have been happier staying at home, cooking, cleaning, raising children and making things for my house while my husband took worked and took care of all that stuff? I love listening to Paula Cole’s song Where Have All the Cowboys Gone…I always seem to sing it to myself in these situations when I could use a partner to take care of something. Like fixing my freaking toilet.

But then the fantasy always falls apart when it gets to that line – “I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer…” Uh – nope. How about you clean up since I cooked, while I go have wine with the girls??

I do have skills. I can sew curtains and pillow covers – and even designed some without using patterns. I have made my own soap, candles, and designed jewelry for many years. I can cook some really fantastic Italian food. Last week, I had 8 friends over to show them how to make Magnolia leave wreaths for the holidays (doesn’t it look nice on my front door?)

My handmade magnolia wreath

AND I fed them homemade chili – on a work day. I can decorate – and I can throw a pretty good dinner party. I am having 12 family members over tonight as a matter of fact.

I’ll admit, part of me likes that fantasy of the Marlboro man in the song – someone strong take care of me. But that is all it is – a fantasy…for a short song or a 2 hour movie.

I think that the answer is really that I have strengths and weaknesses in different parts of my brain. If I liked research (I don’t), I would spend hours on the internet trying to figure this out. Rather – I sat down with my thoughts and my computer to think about what this means to me as a single woman, trying not to burn down her new house.

So – I have a list of things that I am going to ask my brother in law to help with when he arrives in a few hours for his Thanksgiving holiday – I hope he’s ready! These include – figuring out with the HECK is wrong with the audio on my XBox. Changing my gas tank on my grill (I don’t think ANYONE wants me messing with propane). Minor toilet repair. Moving a couch.

Once he leaves, I’ll start a new list…I believe I will have a partner at some point to help me with it…and in the meantime – heads up – because I am not shy asking for help.

Once

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Love

This weekend, I saw the Broadway rendition of one of my favorite movies of all time, Once. Once is a story about a plucky, passionate young woman who feels it is her destiny to inspire a handsome street musician to get “unstuck”… to not give up on his music, and to take risks with love. She is only passing through his life – for one short week – yet they both are changed forever because of the gifts they share with each other. In my heart, I feel that the end of the show/movie is not really the end of their story…The hopeful romantic in me thinks that they reunite at the right time in their lives..but we will never really know unless someone writes an unlikely sequel to their story.

In any case – thinking about their love story made me start thinking about the men who have come into and out of my own life – and what I take away from each of these experiences. Too often, I look back at my past and think about the mistakes I made, and the troubles that I faced in my relationships. As a result, I keep adding to my list of non-negotiables and lessons learned, and I don’t focus enough on the positives – the good things that I take with me from each relationship.

In Once, “Guy” is inspired by “Girl” who helps him to realize that he deserves to pursue his love of music and that he should deal with his unresolved past love so that he can move forward in his life. For “Girl”, because of “Guy” she remembers what it is like to feel loved. As I thought about the musical and about its parallels to my life, I started reflecting on my past relationships. I dusted off my journal, and spent a few hours writing and remembering. I have had an experience as short as Guy and Girl in Once, and others that are many years long – and some in between. I won’t share too many details in my blog. If these men from my past happen to read this, I hope they know who they are without my using their names or sharing too much with the world.

So I am unsure of what to publish in my blog about this – besides to say that the simple exercise of reflecting about this has been cathartic and inspiring. I have a lot of gifts that I have gathered over the years. Like “Girl”, because of my past experiences, I know what it feels like to be loved, and I know what is possible. I know how to appreciate lightness and laughter. I also appreciate the deeper, darker layers that we all have. And I know how to be my authentic self.

These are gifts I treasure. And…again like “Girl”, I have learned that I am also a sucker for a good looking man who can play a guitar ☺.

Unbroken

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Energy, Hope, Perspective, Resilience

I do my best thinking when I am running or writing. Or maybe I do my best feeling when I am running or writing – I am not quite sure. I think it’s both – it’s all about the mind/body connection, so I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get off the couch or out of bed and get moving each time.

In any case, I just got back from a 3 mile run, trying to work off my vacation calories, and I found myself thinking about my friends Jane and John, and their 7 year old daughter Sophia who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia in April of this year.

This is Sophia!

Jane writes a journal on Caring Bridge that not only keeps her friends and family updated about Sophia’s treatments, but also provides us with inspiration and laughter. Talk about vulnerability (see my last post) – Jane shares her fears, her hopes, and funny stories about their journey, and when Sophia writes, her sassiness shines right through.

I was thinking about them because I recently read Jane’s post that was titled “Unbroken.” Jane is reading Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, a book that I just happened to finish reading a few weeks ago, and she wrote about the parallels between Sophia and the POWs in the book. I enjoyed the book – and was definitely inspired by Louis Zamperini’s amazing story. It is hard to imagine how a person could overcome what he did – but that is not what this blog post is about.

This post is about my amazing friends, John and Jane, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and their increbile family who inspire me on a daily basis with their strength, their vulnerability, their humor, and their overall outlook on life, sickness, family and spirituality.

When I read Jane’s post about how Sophia is getting through her toughest week of treatment, it cut straight to my heart. In Jane’s words, “This kid has toxic poison flowing through her veins and she is still kicking butt.” Like Louis, Sophia has an incredibly strong will, which Jane says keeps them strong as a family.

This child is only 7 years old, and yet she already seems to know who she is, what she is made of, and consistently musters the strength to battle this serious disease. It is truly inspiring to me, and moves me to tears on a regular basis. Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad tears. Sometimes both at the same time like what is happening to me now as I write this. Sometimes I am sad that they have to experience the pain of what is happening to them. But then, I think it’s because of this sadness that I am so moved by their strength and vulnerability as I realize how much we can learn from them.

Jane uses the word grace on her Light the Night fundraising page to describe how Sophia is enduring her illness and treatment. It is apparent to me that grace is present in their entire family – and shared with their friends and family. There is a higher power at work here – I know this because I can see it and I can feel it.

Their spirit is truly unbroken…and in fact seems stronger to me than ever before, because whether they realize it of not, I feel strengthened each time I read Jane’s journal, each time I see a photograph of Sophia and her siblings, Jack and Christina, each time I read about something funny Sophia did or said, and each time I hear the latest about the Anonymous Monkey Sender (AMS) and his/her antics.

Christina, Jack, Jane, Sophia & John

Their family and friends are walking in the Annapolis, MD Light the Night Walk to raise money for the The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society on October 27th Use this hyperlink if you would like to support Team Sophia: http://pages.lightthenight.org/md/Annapoli12/TeamSophiaMcCaul.

While I can’t be there in person, my heart and spirit will be with them.

One Year Later…

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Love, Risk Taking, Vulnerability

I realized a few days ago that I started my blog just over a year ago. I didn’t really know what to expect when I started it. Starting was simple. I went for a run with a close friend – someone I enjoy having deep discussions with – and I realized on that run that I had something to say that I wanted to share with the rest of the “world.”

Then, as I continued to write and find my “voice,” I realized that my blog has become an exercise in vulnerability. It has been about expressing who I am and sharing it with the rest of the world. At times, I have really questioned whether to hit the post button – do I really want people I may barely know to know my innermost thoughts and feelings?? I think I have been motivated to say yes because this is not something that is easy – and I think that discomfort means something good for me. Plus the encouragement I have received has been enormous, and has helped me to push further into the unknown.

Somewhere along the way, I found my all time favorite book called: The Gifts of Imperfection, Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are,by Brené Brown.

I love this book. I have marked it up with notes, highlighters and these really cute goldfish sticky notes I bought at shop in Georgetown (same place I got the latest Wonder Woman mug). I have read and re-read it, I have taken notes in my journal about it.

My dog-eared copy of The Gifts of Imperfection

I keep it on my night stand or coffee table to refer to often. And what is so strange is that I NEVER do any of those things. Normally I read a book and am on to the next one. I haven’t taken notes about a book that I read “voluntarily”…ever!

Brené (I refer to her as Brené because I am pretty certain if we actually knew each other, we would be friends) is a researcher with a PhD in social work. She has studied shame, authenticity and vulnerability for many years, and has concluded that only one thing separates men and women who feel a deep sense of love and belonging from others who struggle for it. She writes “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe we are worthy of love and belonging.”

Her book is about the “gifts of imperfection” – courage, compassion and connection that help us to live a more authentic, whole-hearted life.

Courage comes from the latin “cor” – which means heart. She says that originally before it morphed into heroism, courage meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all of one’s heart.” Hmmm – she is on to something.

Compassion has Latin roots meaning “to suffer with” which probably sounds scary to most people. Most of the time when we see people in pain, we either self-protect or try to fix. She says that at the heart of compassion is acceptance, and that better we are at accepting ourselves – being compassionate to ourselves, the more compassionate we can become to others.

Connection she says is “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they can derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” She also says this energy must travel in both directions – a reminder to me to seek healthy connections, healthy balanced relationships.

For me, this book is not necessarily life changing. Rather, it’s life “clearing” – a validation of the work I have been doing to have a more balanced, fuller life.

Brené is also famous for her TEDx Talk on the power of vulnerability. If you can spare 20 minutes – it is well worth every second. Almost 6 million views – clearly her messaging is resonating. Here is the link: brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

This is not easy. I fight vulnerability all of the time. To the world – my coworkers, friends and family, I want to appear capable, confident, and strong. To admit that uncertainty absolutely freaks me out, is difficult. To take a risk and admit to myself or others my deepest fears, and to figure out what I need help with – and then to ASK for that help remains to be incredibly challenging for me. Vulnerability still makes me think of getting hurt, experiencing pain, and admitting weakness.

I put so much pressure on myself to have the answers. Lately in some situations, I have been finding myself outwardly angry and resentful, and inwardly anxious and stressed – and even though I recognize what I am doing to myself, I have found it hard to resolve. My MO is to make myself busy where I don’t give myself the space to figure out what are the REAL questions are that I am struggling with. And when I say busy what I really mean that I try to numb my heart – meaning my feelings and emotions – by keeping my brain engaged whether playing Words With Friends, watching TV, reading books. I trick myself that by doing something that actually is constructive for my head – but at the sacrifice of my heart.

So now I know I need to sit in some big questions and contemplate how to better live with uncertainty.

And thankfully – I have Brené’s books to help me practice. I just picked up her newest book released this week called “Daring Greatly.” The title comes from a speech by Teddy Roosevelt known as “The Man in the Arena” speech.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

I would like to dare greatly. I want to be in the “arena” and not the supporting actress in my own life. I would like to redefine vulnerability and think of it as the key to courage – and not a measure of weakness. I can’t wait to pick this one up – I have my post its and highlighters ready!

More to come later…

Home is Where the Art Is

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Beauty, Perspective
Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
-Thomas Merton

Tonight my new house feels like home. My Dad, an engineer that happens to be very talented at placing art and furniture, came over last night to hang my pictures and rearrange furniture in exchange for Sunday dinner (remember – I love to cook for people who help me. My short to-do list includes minor toilet repair, storm door installation, or digging up/moving a crepe myrtle. If you have any of these skills, contact me! Good wine, good food, and good company in exchange for your labor!).

Tonight as I sit in my sun room, I feel connected to my space in a new, very good way. From my comfy couch, I can see a lot of my art in my purview. Having these pieces in place in my new home grounds me in a way that I didn’t realize until tonight. Just like my taste in music, movies and books – my taste in art is eclectic. I like variety – oil, watercolor, glass, acrylic, mixed media, pottery, photography, jewelry…you name it. The only thing in common in all of my art is that I have emotionally connected with each piece in some way, and that ties them together – and to me of course.

Prior to buying my house last month, I had been in a state of transition – moving three times in three years. Somewhere along that part of my journey, I made a conscious decision to acquire “real” art, and to purge my prints or pictures purchased at places like Home Goods or Bed Bath and Beyond.  Maybe I started in an attempt to connect to the space I was living in – to make that space feel like home, even though it was temporary. Maybe I did so in an attempt to feel grown up and independent. Maybe I did so in an attempt to express myself artistically as I starting living on my own for the first time. Maybe it was retail therapy – just to have a little fun splurging on somethng special. Likely a combination of all of these things were at play!

Here are some of the highlights in my “collection.”

This painting of my dog Derby is in the place of honor over my fireplace.

Derby as painted by Greg Hart

I consider it to be one of my first pieces of “real” art – painted by my friend and artist Greg Hart. Greg is a super talented portrait artist (see his website: http://greg-hart.com/home.html), and has been featured in a shows at the City Gallery in downtown Charleston, and online at “Buy Some Damn Art.” Greg found my dog Derby two years ago when Derby was a stray – emaciated, sick, and abandoned on the side of the road. This portrait of Derby is doubly special since it is painted by his rescuer. Very cool.

My next “real” painting is by another friend – Karen Myers (http://karenannmyers.com/). Karen was a coaching client of mine last year while she was the Executive Director at Redux Contemporary Art Center. Karen is known for her patterns and exact detail in her painting – and while she normally paints women in bedroom scenes, she painted this lovely piece of a penguin for a Antarctica-themed exhibit at her former studio, Scoop.

Penguin painted by Karen Ann Myers

I don’t know why – but penguins are one of my absolute favorite things in the world. I think it’s a combination of how silly they look, how unique they are as birds who can’t fly, how they mate for life, how the dad takes care of the egg while the mom goes for food – clearly there are many things to adore about penguins. My girlfriends who know me well surprised me with this painting as a gift for my 40th birthday last year. I treasure this painting as a reminder of Karen, and of my incredibly fun and crazy birthday celebration with my friends at the Grove Park Inn last year.

These next two pieces I bought together at the foot of the Duomo in Florence, Italy, last fall. Reeling from my claustrophia fit after climbing the bell tower, I tried to relax by walking in the courtyard, browsing through the street artists’ watercolors.

Street Artist in Florence, Italy

These watercolors of the Tuscan landscape will forever remind me of the most beautiful place on Earth that I have ever seen.

These are my poppy paintings. I bought them from a gallery around the corner. I don’t know the artist, and I didn’t buy them on a trip anywhere special. They make me smile. Sometimes it is just that simple.

Poppies

I like to say that I am a jewerly artist – that is a medium where I may have some talent. That said, I am not an art expert by any means. I never took Art History in college – and I can’t paint, draw, or sculpt. Though I know very little about art, I now know what I like, and I have enjoyed starting my “collection.”

I like collecting…memories, art, people… Each of my pieces are part of who I am, and as I sit and relax in my new space, I feel joy and contentment. I have a lot of walls to fill up – and I can’t wait to find more artists and art to collect – to have more adventures and to make lasting memories along the way.

Help!

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Energy, Inner Peace, Perspective

Help! I can’t seem to get out of my death spiral. If you have been reading a while, you may remember that what I call the death spiral is when I lose it. Like what happened on the 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th phone calls of the day to AT&T yesterday about my cable/internet outage. It was like I was living in the movie Ground Hog Day – caught in an endless cycle of insanity as the same thing kept happening over and over again. My service had been down for days.  It all started during the massive lightning storm last Saturday night.  It was the most wicked lightning storm in my recent memory. Click this hyperlink to see an amazing photo my friends Clay and Susan took of the lightning over Shem Creek.

My sister Jacquie, and my niece and nephew were visiting last weekend. When the storm hit, we quickly moved away from the windows, grabbed the wine, iPads and iPhones and gathered in my bedroom to wait out the storm. You can imagine our alarm when we heard fire trucks arrive, and saw the fireman hooking up their hose to the hydrant in my front yard. Pretty exciting for Day 5 in the new house!

After the storm, we met the firemen (see below), and learned that lightning had struck my neighbor’s house, and they put out a small fire.

Me and the Firemen

Thankfully no one was hurt, and amazingly we still had power, but, alas, no cable or internet.  So we spent the rest of the weekend playing board games and watching movies – no big deal. AT&T restored my service Monday, but everything went out again the next day for some reason. Now things were getting frustrating.

The “inside” technician (Len) who arrived the next day explained that the outage was happening somewhere “outside”, which meant an “outside” technician had to be scheduled.  So the next day, AT&T called to confirm my appointment for an “inside” technician – and had my old address. What?? So after calling several times to be CERTAIN they had the right information…guess what happened. Not only did they still send me an inside tech by mistake – it was Len again! So despite every effort I made to avoid it – the exact same thing happened.

So today, I know I am in the death spiral – at least I can say I am a little self aware. I love my new house, but Week 1 has been full of challenges. The HVAC is only cooling to 79 degrees, and after a battle with my home warranty company – that should be fixed in “3-5 business days”…and a fire across the street…seriously? I know my cable/wireless outage is not the end of the world. Through in a service call on the fridge, and you would start to question your decision too!

I know it could be so much worse. I am TRYING to regain perspective. But I am struggling to stop the spiral. I just COULDN’T resist calling AT&T one more time this morning thinking that I may be able to make a difference – and not surprisingly – I ended up more upset in the process.

Haven’t you been there too? When you think that you can change something – but you can’t, and you just end up banging your head against the wall?

I know I am in a classic example of Stephen Covey’s paradigm of the Circle of Concern/Influence, and I can’t seem to stop the insanity. Also I am forgetting Covey’s 90/10 Principle – and I seem to have completely forgotten that while I can’t control what AT&T is doing (or not doing) – I can control my reaction. With the pressure of so many things (or triggers), I have been blind to the choices in front of me – and I am back to being a pinball in something like the Plinko machine I had as a kid. And it’s not that simple to “chillax” as my nephew would say.

Here is my attempt to re-create the paradigm:

Laurie’s Circle of Concern/Influence

Can’t you feel the negative energy pushing the circle of influence smaller?

What I always loved about Covey was his ability to make his concepts visual. Creating this is a great reminder that I am colossally wasting my energy, and the more I keep at it – the worse it is getting.  

As usual, writing is helping me to clear out the cobwebs in my head. That and Donald, the “outside technician” knocked on my door as I was writing. I almost hugged him upon his arrival. He promised to get things fixed in an hour – and guess what, I am now back online! He was just a little sweaty – so it wasn’t too hard to resist hugging him goodbye.

Tonight I am finally going to chillax and watch the Olympics.

Moving Day

by Laurie Sessa, posted in Risk Taking, Self Reliance

Tonight I am spending my first night in my new home. I made good progress with my move. The kitchen is completely unpacked and organized thanks to my sister in law Catherine and my good friend Janet, who I challenged to bring her “Six Sigma” skills to this kitchen “project.”

My new kitchen

Catherine and Janet, in addition to my brother Geoff, met and exceeded my expectations with their generous offer to help me get ready for Moving Day.

After a week of packing and moving, tonight, I am too tired to really think or write very coherently, but my mind is racing so I figured I would sit and write to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

On one hand, I am really freaked out. I am doing this on my own – and I am so out of my comfort zone. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I fix things with mounting tape and a glue gun. I have never mowed a lawn in my life. I kill plants, and have been unsuccessful at growing grass to mask the abundant weeds in my previous rental home. So many things are unpredictable with home ownership and now there is no landlord to call when something breaks like the AC. It’s all up to me. But you see, over the last couple years, I was a landlord in a house that I didn’t live in…and once I finally sold it, I realized that I was already doing what I was scared to do! So what’s the big deal?

So on this other hand, I am totally psyched. I feel confident that I can do this. Yes – I have made and will continue to make mistakes. I’ll use the wrong color to touch up a wall, and not care that it doesn’t quite match (yes, this has already happened.) I’ll just cover the wall with some art until I am ready for a paint project! I’ll get scared about being able to afford the mortgage. I’ll still fix things with tape and glue when it seems to make sense. But now, I’ll think and feel about these things differently. Because I can think about things in the long term rather than as a temporary state of being…

You see, I realized something about myself – or maybe I was just reminded of something that I had forgotten. I am a “nester”. I crave my own space – my “own” space – aha! I like forming roots. That is part of what literally grounds me. To me, a house is not just an investment of money. It’s an investment of time, effort – and love – to maintain, and to improve. It’s a refuge from the rest of the world. It’s a place to reminisce about fond memories, and to contemplate what others may lie ahead.

Yes, my life just got a lot more complicated. I was debt free for all of 34 days. I was thinking of going on a major vacation like a safari, and instead I bought a house. I could have kept my life more simple – to travel more, to minimize, to have the freedom to relocate without too much complication. But – that is not who I am.

I just unpacked a few boxes that hadn’t been touched in over two years. And I was filled with contentment to find space for the things that are important to me.