My Moment of Surrender

“I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me”

“Moment of Surrender” lyrics by U2

Being a novice is so out of my comfort zone…am I alone that I expect myself to be an expert at whatever I try to learn, and to skip right over the discomfort of sucking at something? This is why I will never take up golf. Well… there may be 800 other things I would choose to do before playing golf for 4 hours…but I digress.

I REALLY like to be comfortable. As I write, I am wearing my new “Women’s Fuzzy Popcorn Cardigan Batwing Sleeve Open Front Chunky Sweater”, sipping hot coffee made from my Costa Rican chorreador,  am listening to George Winston on the Google Home network that Jerry has set up in every room our house (he even installed new thermostats so we can ask Google FROM OUR BED to change the temperature), with a special blend of DoTerra lavender, peppermint and lemon essential oils in my diffuser, viewing my work on my relatively new 33 inch monitor (so big that I no longer need my new BRIGHT RED or Leopard Peeper reading glasses to work!). There will never be a shortage of crocheted blankets while I am around.

I drink in comfort through each of my senses like it is hot cocoa with whipped cream and tiny slivers of chocolate that melt in my mouth on a cold fall morning…It is warm, delicious, soul nourishing and where I love to be most of the time.

I have spent the better part of the pandemic making my home as comfortable as possible, realizing recently how deeply I connect to comfort as a coping mechanism for hard things. One glance at my online shopping orders over the last 18 months will prove this – or just read the previous paragraph!  Some of these were gifts, but for the rest, I did choose each and every purchase with the intention to spark some joy into my life in small and big ways with no regrets.

Comfort is my JAM.

Discomfort – is…well…uncomfortable! Why would anyone in their right minds choose to be uncomfortable?

Well, let’s start with the obvious. Growth requires discomfort – physically, emotionally, and/or mentally. Making mistakes and having to learn some lessons…uncomfortable (and often painful). Choosing to try again after failing – definitely uncomfortable. Resolving conflict – uncomfortable.

Now let’s go deeper…

If I really want to live my values, it requires discomfort.

I used to find meditation incredibly uncomfortable. Sitting still with my body and thoughts does not come naturally to me – maybe not to anyone else either I suppose…In the past, the best I could do was to tolerate/enjoy a few minutes of breathing exercises and go about my day. But sitting on a pillow and really surrendering to my thoughts for more than 3 minutes at a time – um, hell no!

Surrendering to meditation, to go “in” to my body, mind, and spirit and to really explore what is in there …sometimes hiding in the shadows…may be one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever done, and yet it is something I am really starting to enjoy. It is still not natural to me, and I am using a variety of tools to help.  

There is something about the word “surrender” that really speaks to me. I am no longer fighting the discomfort of listening to my intuition…or actively trying to avoid it. I am surrendering to it – letting it take me into the unknown (which is the ENTIRE plot of Frozen 2. This idea is NOT unique, I am well aware).

While I can (and will) continue make my surroundings comfortable, I am also exploring how to get more comfortable exploring my intuition and surrendering to its rhythm. Stay tuned.

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